


letters

by witchyRomantic



Category: Original Work
Genre: #mentionedemotionalabuse, #personal #readifyoumust
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2020-07-29 21:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20089198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchyRomantic/pseuds/witchyRomantic
Summary: im writing this here because I didn't know where else to write it. I'm not sure if I'll ever send these letters. but um. if you were ever wondering what it really feels like to have ptsd from emotional abuse here you go i guess. things have just been...bad lately.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Caden,  
I think abour you a lot these days. You're one of my best friends. I have a few best friends but our connection is different. I feel like I'm already free when we talk or hang out. I wish I could say that about our other friends but I can't. Ive been tied down by these shackles my mother's abuse have put on me but they always feel lighter when we talk. I'm never jealous of you because we're on the same level which is refreshing. I know it sounds bad to say. And I mean yeah sometimes it sucks to think that my parents accept you but can't accept me but I always remember how much you struggled to get where you are now. Its been so incredible to watch you grow into this amazing young man.  
I remember the year you broke my heart. I wanted to blame it on anyone but myself but truth be told I know it's my fault. I used to wonder what it would've been like had the stars aligned. Had my parents been approving and I not a mess. These days I don't think about how it's my fault and dwell on where I went wrong but rather I just feel so so terrible I scared you. But I also scared myself. I saw a new part of me as I tried to cope with that breakup. I never want to see it again. I never want to hurt you again because you mean so much to me. I think back to that day at the lake. That day that we tried to kiss but I got ended up kissing your cheek. I wanted to kiss you and part of me wishes I did. But I was so scared I wasn't going to be good at it. I think the reason I'd rather you be my first kiss than whoever it turns out to be because I know you and I trust you with my life. I don't want you to take that the wrong way though. I don't have feelings for you anymore. I just regret the stupid decisions I made when I think about them. You deserved a good boyfriend and it makes me mad I couldn't give that to you. When people ask me who I admire most, my answer is always the same: I admire Caden Adair the most. It disappoints my mom that I admire a 14 year old more than her but who can blame me? They asked me that question during my interview for the Academy. I told her that I admire you because no matter what, you always get on your feet. You work so hard everyday for the things you want, even when you're exhausted. I think you have a lot of amazing qualities and potential Caden. I love you a lot, you're real family to me.  
I love you man, Ryan


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Mom,  
I don't really owe you anything. But writing this letter is the least I could do. I could die today or tomorrow and you'd never really know the truth about what you do. You'll probably never read this though. I often think about running to California. I always talk about it being warm but what I really like about California is that you can't afford tickets back and forth when you need to take your anger out on someone. Someone being me. I could just decline your calls. But that's the thing. I know I'll never just be able to cut you out because every time I try to just survive on my own my stomach twists and you find a way into my thoughts and I hate it. I hate it so much. I can't do anymore to tell the truth. You've never hit me but telling me you know me better than I know myself hits just as hard. I have such a hard time figuring myself out because I spend so much time chasing an image of myself that's nothing like you. Do you hate me? Maybe. I know I'm a disappointment in your eyes. I could never just be who you wanted me to be but I'm not alive for you to get a second chance at life. This is my life but unfortunately you already screwed it up for me. Don't think for a second either that this is something I just came up with either. I don't WANT to be traumatized. I don't WANT to live with an emotionally abusive mother. I wasn't even the first to notice. My friends were. I always just thought you were plain mean. Not abusive. But I don't get to choose. Theres always something wrong with me in your eyes right? My leg hair. My aggressive nature. My terrible memory. Being a boy when you wanted a girl. You always manage to blame a lot of my 'flaws' on my illness. It'll get better after we change the dosage you're always telling me but do you stop to consider it's not the illness it's you? Did you know that you're the reason I have such a hard time communicating? I shut people out because I'm scared if I let them get close they'll turn out to be just like you. I didn't want to acknowledge it but I had to face the music eventually, just like you will. I like to think of a time when things were alright but that's really just when I didnt have a mind of my own. I'm sure when I disappear without a trace you'll find someone else to blame. I hate to say it but you should just blame yourself. You're the one who pushes me to my limits. Someday I know I won't be able to handle it and then? I'll run. Maybe I'll fly out to your friend in L.A and figure things out from there. You'll never get to know though. Your son, Ryan


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so tired. if youre reading these letters then hi. does anyone gain anything from these? I feel like by writing these, im just preparing myself for my death. I know I'll never rest peacefully, regardless.

Dear Grandpa,  
I never got to meet you. No, I was robbed of that. Mom says I look like you and the more I grow the more i wished I looked more like you. I'd have a connection to you and I'd probably feel a lot better about how I look. Speaking of Mom. I wish I could say your daughter has turned out as a perfect mom but that would be a lie. I don't want to talk about her. I found out that you were a sailor of some sort? That's really cool. I've never thought about being a sailor but if it's any constellation of how well I'd do, cruise ships give me anxiety. I wonder a lot if you're out there....wherever spirits really go. Watching me. I cant help but wonder if you're disappointed in me. I mean. My body developed the opposite to my brain, I have an illness that will probably just get worse, and on top of that? Mom kept telling me today that what happened to you could happen to me. Not really what I wanted to hear. I'm trying my best though i swear. Everythings just so complicated. Supposedly we met in passing somehow, according to the dreams of...so many family members. If it's true I wish i could remember it. Then maybe I'd have some real idea of who you were. The wooden stand you made still sets by my bed just as it has for a long time. I like to put my pencils and markers there so I dont have to get up and get them when I'm drawing. I guess art is really common on Mom's side of the family? I've seen a lot of your stuff. It's really nice, I don't think I could do that with wood. I wish you were here so I could ask stupid questions. Even stupid questions are better than none. I guess i don't have a lot to say to you since we never got the chance to meet. Your grandson, Ryan


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so much to say. so few words to express it.

Dear Catherine,  
This is one of the harder letters to write. Everytime I go to write, my stomach twists and turns and I think: don't do it. But I'll do it. We met in 5th grade. I know for a fact that you werent listening when I talked to you during recess because you were so wrapped up in the Harry Potter books. I'm okay with that because it was still nice to speak about the things on my mind. Unfortunately, that's the same year I started to accept myself and I went downhill. I was not a good friend to you. Even this year, several years after we became friends, I have not been a good friend. I wish I was a good enough friend to you. You always use my trauma to excuse my aggression and shut-in behaviour. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. So please stop saying it's okay because that only makes me feel like you're saying it so I don't feel bad. Friends are honest right? I'm always really sorry I push you away the most. I dont know. I think you being the "mom friend" just makes it harder for me to not push you away when all I can think about is. Y'know. My mom. Which is really shitty of me. A lot of things about me aren't great. I've been an awful friend. I wish I was stable enough to be a healthy friend. In all the time I knew you, I've fallen in love with you twice. Both times you've been with the same guy. Which is probably part of why I dont like him. I should be supportive of you. I'm really happy you're happy, dont get me wrong. I just wish you were happy with me. But I want you to know I'd never tell you to dump him for personal gain. I said it because I was pissed at the way he was treating you. Now I realize I'm probably not much better though. I dont know. I never do. I just feel so comfortable with you. You always listen when I talk(at least these days haha). I know it doesn't always seem like I'm listening and im sorry. I'm usually listening but sometimes I just kinda. Lose it. My short attention span doesn't really do great things for relationships but it makes me happy to see you so excited about things. I'm hoping when I go away to the academy, maybe I'll finally get over you. For good. Just be your best friend and nothing deeper. I just miss you. A lot. I wish I had light hearted things to say but. I really don't. I love you, Ryan


	5. to me

Dear Me.  
This is a letter to me in the moment. Or maybe it will continue to apply throughout highschool. I've been thinking a lot about what's happening. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone's telling me that they support me and that they'll call me Ryan. It's overwhelming. I love that people want me to be myself and are willing to call me by my name. My real name. But it's scary. I'm scared my parents will find out. I'm scared my parents will never accept me. I want to be myself, I am sick of hiding. I know it's normal to be scared to come out. I just...I feel like people believe me less when I say to just call me by my deadname even after they say they won't tell my mom. I just...I've been through this before. In middle school. I was so careful but she still found out that I've been using a preferred name. She still got pissed. So if all these people know and are using my name behind her back, what's going to happen? I shouldn't have to be scared. Why did I get stuck with parents like this. I love them but they won't accept me. I don't understand. I don't think I ever will understand. Having an illness doesn't invalidate how much of a man I am. Having irregular hormone levels isn't what made me come out. Years of hating myself and on-and-off denial did. I can't do it anymore. I keep saying I'm coming out for real but nothing happens. I just get my hopes and cry when they tell me they won't change their minds. I don't need them to change their minds. Fuck that. Nobody chose this. I'm not ashamed. I didn't choose this but it happened and the best thing I can do for my health is to be myself.  
It's like everyone else has their favorite book. They like their pink book or their blue book or their purple book. I know I definitely don't want the purple book, it's not for me. I want the blue book and all my friends say that if it's my favorite, the most comfortable book for me, I should have it. But my parents keep taking it. They keep trying to force the pink book on me but I HATE reading the pink book. I love people who read the pink book but it's not the right book for me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place. It shouldn't bother them that I want the blue book but I guess it's because all their other children like the blue book too. Is it because some of them are too young to even understand why I feel like I do? I guess I get that but this isn't about my brothers, this is about me. I can't do it anymore. I can't hide.  
-Ryan


End file.
